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Defeating Commander Jonathan Johnson, Mission One

Author: Mushroom
Rating: PG-13 (OMFG is it true?!)
Summary: Love is twisted. Love is a battle. Dave Austin is willing to risk everything in the name of love, even if it means battling the forces of evil in the deadly planet of the Borgiff X235 galaxy.
Notes: Many thanks to chastity_rowan for the help with all the geeky stuff. Dedicated to luinthoniel.

This is part one of the Defeating Commander Jonathan Johnson series. Disclaimer: All mentions of Star Trek and Star Wars and all the other stuff are obviously not mine, and I’m not making any money out of this.



MISSION ONE: REALIZE YOUR INNER FORCE

“Enemy mother ship approaching!” – Flippy, Star Fox



“Mum, I’m gay.”

Mrs. Austin stopped chewing, an action that left her mouth hanging open to reveal mushy bits of crackers. She blinked for a moment, shrugged, then closed her mouth tightly to the relief of her son. “…I knew it.”

Dave gave her a bewildered look. “You did?”

“Not really. But I think I know the reason. Before you were born your father and I thought that you’d be a girl, so we designed your room with pink wallpaper and the ladies gave me pink rattles and stuffed toys and ribbons during my baby shower. Then you came out and ruined all our plans. We had no choice but to let you sleep with the expensive pink comforters your dad and I bought in Thailand—“

Her son gaped, aghast from receiving such information of his childhood, which he fortunately had no memories of. It took Dave thirty seconds to retrieve his missing words. “—No mum, you got it all wrong.”

“No way,” Mrs. Austin argued. “I’m sure ‘twas in Thailand—“

“—not that, Mum. I’m not gay as in I want to be female.” Dave wrinkled his nose. “I meant gay as in…you know, I like boys.”

On cue, the kettle started whistling wildly. Dave gave out a loud sigh as his mother rushed into the kitchen, cursing inwardly because she forgot to put on mittens. The intermission lasted for six minutes, and in his boredom Dave Austin turned the television on and channel-surfed as he waited.

“Sorry dear,” Mrs. Austin tossed her mittens on the couch and sat clumsily on the floor, looking disheveled. “So…you like boys? Who are they?”

Dave mentally smacked his head. “Ack, I meant I like a boy. Just one.”

“Stop beating around the bush. Who is it? Don’t tell me it’s your Trekkie best friend, heheheheh.” She started giggling madly. When she noticed the look in Dave’s face, however, her jaw dropped. Dave would’ve laughed out loud at her expression if the situation weren’t so important. “…of course. You’re in love with Gulliver. I—I…Dave, I…it just hit me how much it all makes sense. You actually bought him the complete DVD set of Archer and the Xavar Templars when you were itching to buy a hockey stick years back…then you endured all those hours of lining up to watch the latest Earth Invaders flick when you absolutely hate it and…”

Love can’t be measured by those alone. “Mum.” He interrupted with a low voice. “…do you think Dad will kill me?”

Mrs. Austin was still obviously bewildered by the realizations of her son’s current feelings. “—Oh god, and you call him all night and...do you have like, thoughts of kissing him or anything? Touching him, perhaps?”

“MUM I’M ASKING YOU IF YOU THINK DAD WILL KILL ME!”

Mother and son were strange like that; they spoke as if Mr. Austin were still alive, able to help them with their decisions and make them grovel on their knees if they did anything idiotic. Mrs. Austin gave her son a sad smile and patted his mousy brown hair. “Come on, dear…you know he’ll understand. Your father loves you very, very much. Well, he’ll probably hang you on a tree, and kill you, but he’ll understand, and that’s what matters.”

Dad understanding me matters more than my life. Dave shuddered and glanced behind him, half-expecting to see his father carrying a chainsaw. Apparently that thought wasn’t very comforting; uncertainty flashed in his eyes. “Aren’t you supposed to kick me out of the house? Order me to leave? Abandon me and wish that I was never born?” He understood that his mother was the weirdest one any son could have, but her indifference made him nervous. Maybe it was because his mother was still young, having given birth to him at the age of twenty, so she had a liberal way of thinking.

“It’s probably just a phase, son. And if it extends for many years…then it isn’t, but there’s nothing I can really do about it, is there? You’ve been a really good son to us, your grades are highly satisfactory, and you haven’t involved yourself in brawls and teenage angst. Therefore I give you the freedom to love anyone you want. Your uncle—my brother—is bisexual too, remember? So it’s not breaking news for me anymore, but it sure was when he announced it years back." Mrs. Austin gave out a nostalgic sigh, then beamed softly. "Besides, I don’t feel the need to kick you out of the house; you don’t even live here anymore.” She chuckled.

Dave smiled. “I’ve been in love with him since we were in high school, Mum.”

That time his mother was truly shocked. “So those stories about the crush you had on this uhhmmm...certain cheerleader slut were false?”

“She was just a character in a movie. Besides, the actress who played her already had three divorces.”

“Oh well…make sure you act upon it, young man. If I don’t see you walking hand in hand with Mr. Gulliver then your confession's useless.” Mrs. Austin grabbed the remote and switched the television off, revealing a cool rose tattoo on her hand.

“Show off.” Dave muttered, and his mom threw a pillow at his face.


***

"His mind. He is... an extremely dynamic individual." – Spock referring to Kirk, Star Trek



Dave Austin was a tiny spot in the confusing muddle of Peterson High. He was so ordinary, so insignificant, that even experts were unable to give him a proper stereotype. He tried taking personality tests and all the results had the same answers; he was unidentifiable. Dave wasn’t even a mixture of stereotypes; he wasn’t a gothic jock or a class president with a convertible. Even his name was completely normal that it merely rolled off people’s tongues: Dave Austin. Nope, nothing special there. If Dave waved a shotgun in the middle of the campus and shot his own knee, others probably wouldn’t even look at him. Maybe they’d just look at his bleeding knee, call the infirmary, then attend to their duties or something.

He also had no talent. No talent? Impossible! Sure, maybe he knew a few things; like hockey or math, but he wasn’t very good at it. He wasn’t the best in those fields; he was only highly satisfactory, not outstanding. In life, if you’re just not outstanding enough, then your abilities are virtually ignored. He could only boast that he was the ultimate pack rat, but it was a disorder found in most males with a lot of time in their hands.

Dave had no talent. He couldn’t even write nicely. He never joined any extracurricular activities. He merely disappeared after school, like an invisible ghost nobody was afraid of.

And his looks…what looks? He had mousy brown hair and brown eyes. He looked like everyone and no one at the same time. He usually wore green overalls, so he blended with the trees in the sidewalk. Newspaper boys often ran into him on the street, thinking he was a funny-looking plant that sprouted out of thin air. Nothing extraordinary about him at all.

However, Dave was not a depressed kid. He didn’t wallow in misery and suicidal thoughts unlike his fellow dramatic schoolmates. His life was uneventful but he also had his own share of sad experiences—one being the death of his father—but he never held grudges or thoughts of misery. He was the ultimate laidback guy of the century. His brown hair and similar colored eyes only shouted one thing: IGNORE ME. And he was promptly ignored. Not avoided, not revered, not hated, but ignored.

Other teenagers would’ve cried themselves to sleep, but not Dave Austin. Nope, he accepted everything that came in his way, acknowledging that life sucks and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. Dave was even glad that he was never labeled like a product sold on the supermarket shelves; he couldn’t risk losing his anonymity. It was fun being nothing.

Until Colin Gulliver came into his life, threatening Dave to make himself known to the spiteful public.

Colin Gulliver was a zealot. To put it simply, he was a geek. How do you describe a geek? Well, there are different types of geeks: there are the textbook-swallowing geeks, fanatical geeks, computer expert geeks, freckle-faced and suspender-wielding geeks, and finally the lisping, speech-impaired geeks. Colin Gulliver was a combination all aforementioned types. He was so brainy it was enough to send teachers flying off their seats when he narrated the entire contents of their Physics book. When he recites, his arms shoot up in the air in such rabid anticipation and it causes the jocks to fall off their desks and snort like pigs. He was a carrot top, with hair molded in typical geeky fashion, and of course who wouldn’t forget the crimson blotches in his cheeks? There were the suspenders, the occasional lisps, the large front teeth. He was a Trekkie, a Jedi, a Ringer, a Potterhead, an Otaku, and a Narnian. He was an unofficial professional hacker with deep cheekbones. But they weren’t the facts that made Colin Gulliver the ultimate freak show in their community.

It was his endless obsession for comic books, RPGs, space flicks, light sabers, creatures with weird names, aliens, spiffy space ships and Japanese animation. A lot of boys also appreciated these things, but that was when they were still in middle school. Colin brought his geeky addictions ‘till College, and will probably carry them to his grave as well. He was a certified geek…but at least he did not sweat and smell like one.

Dave and Colin met on their way to watch the latest Star Trek movie. Dave managed to get tickets from one of his neighbors, and since he had nothing to do (hell, he always had nothing to do) he drove all the way to the theatre and prepared himself for complete annihilation (read: boredom). He bumped into Colin while he was buying popcorn, and realized that the poor guy lost his ticket.

“Did I leave it at home? Did I drop it somewhere? Oh gee…” The redhead was mumbling frantically, tears forming at the corner of his eyelids. He looked like he literally lost everything. Dave looked up and noticed the sign that said that it was a special showing, and realized that the tickets he was actually holding had access to an advanced screening of sorts. There weren’t any available tickets because all seats were reserved, meaning even if the guy had more money he would never watch the show.

“Hey,” Dave began. Colin lifted his head but did not acknowledge him because his eyes were still searching his bag. Dave grinned and waved a ticket at his face to capture his attention.

“You need a ticket? Here.” He casually slipped one on his sweaty palm. Colin finally looked into his eyes like a child with renewed hope.

“Gee, thanks. I mean, thank you very much. This means…a lot. How much is it?” The redhead hurriedly scoured his large, bulking backpack and out came a fist clenching dozens of crumpled bills. “Sorry.” He laughed apologetically. “…I just stash my money in, too lazy to put them in a wallet or something…”

“Hey, I do that too.” In a sudden rush of excitement and profound recklessness Dave opened his own (smaller) backpack and revealed a bunch of rutted dollars. Colin glanced inside and laughed. There they were; two teenagers holding up open backpacks with their cash in full view, laughing like they were longtime friends.

Dave zipped up his bag again, shaking his head at his own display of childishness. What the hell was that for? “You don’t need to pay me. I just got mine for free, anyway. So…you a Star Trek fan?”

“We call ourselves the Trekkies,” Colin said proudly. “Since you gave me tickets, I’ll buy our popcorn. I’d like to sit beside you too, is that okay?”

Of course Dave agreed, and soon they were side by side inside the theatre. Colin watched with rapt attention, fingers clutching the handlebars as if he wanted to zoom off in space himself, and Dave busied himself by watching Colin’s eager face. The show ended; Colin ranted about the ending on their way home, and that was when they both realized they shared the same bag of popcorn. It was instinct, somehow….maybe even destiny. They were destined to meet by a popcorn stand and share tickets and snacks while voyagers exploded in space.

Colin grinned at Dave before they separated at a deserted intersection. “Hmmm, it’s just like what Picard said.”

“Pi-what?” The other blurted.

“Picard,” Colin said with a whimsical air. “In Inner Light, he said ‘Seize the time, Meribor. Live now, make now always the precious time…now will never come again.'”

Dave tried to determine the hidden meaning behind these words, but then Colin snorted and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I’m glad we met, Dave Austin. I’m glad now came. I really hope now comes again, sooner or later.”

“It sure will,” Dave said earnestly. “…We just live a few blocks away from each other.”

They became instant best friends. Two years later, when Colin embraced Dave as he wept during his father’s funeral, he realized he loved the scent of his hair.


***


“I have you now!” – Darth Vader, Star Wars


When Dave was sure that he was madly in love with his best friend, he decided to take the necessary steps to win his heart. He already told his mother about his attraction, and since she was fine with it that obstacle was gone. His next task was to make Colin love him back.

“Why don’t you admit that you love him instead?” Mrs. Austin rolled her eyes as she watched her son assemble a pirate ship that would be given to Colin as a present for an event never marked in any calendar in the world.

Dave blushed. The word ‘love’ still had an adverse effect in his heart. “…I’ll win him over first, to be safe…”

“Aaahhh…so that when you tell him your feelings, there’d a chance he would say ‘I love you’ back? You clever bastard.” She pinched his cheeks and giggled.

Most people have this notion that geeks are not like them in any way, that they are too weird to be considered human. Well, they’re wrong. Geeks love money, and everyone loves money, so that sums up practically their similarities. They are materialistic little buggers, collecting various action figures and Dvds that are worth more than most designer bags found in star’s closets. A way to a geek’s heart is to offer him a limited edition something from a series he truly adores.

So Dave splurged. He starved himself during lunch, if only to see the light in Colin’s eyes when he gave him the star command station he constructed and painted himself for two weeks. Colin was so grateful he ended up laughing and snorting milk out of his nose, and people gave them disgusted looks as both men finally gathered their wits and discussed the day’s homework.

“You’re so unfair, Austin.” Colin frowned. “I should get you something too. What do you want? Would you like a neutron-blast discharger?”

That was a problem Colin Gulliver always encountered when he thought of buying stuff for Dave, too. Dave never really liked anything in particular. To compensate, he treated him for lunch when he found out Dave was broke. Dave found this move endearing, and bought him another Dvd.

Suddenly his love expanded and he wanted more; more than the occasional conversations about the symbolisms in Tolkien’s Silmarillion and food fests while they played video games. He wanted to run his hand through Colin’s straw-like hair, press his lips on each and every freckle, counting them with his kisses. While other people described Colin’s hair as a mop of orange peelings, Dave used superfluous adjectives of admiration (in his mind, of course), channeling his inner Elizabethan; “his hair was painted crimson, with a tinge of hazel coats, and they were soft and gentle like the touch of a silken hand…”

Love is corny. Love leads to physical contact. While Dave entertained lovesick thoughts in his head, he also imagined himself wrapping his arms around Colin, slowly removing those ridiculous suspenders and breathing on his neck. He would tell him, “I love you,” and Colin would reply in a conspiratorial whisper: “Darth Vader…only you could be so bold.” Both would chuckle and then Dave would lower him on the grass, under the sky…

Dave would smile at himself as he pictured Colin. I’m glad everybody thinks he’s weird. That way, he’s all mine. Of course, Dave felt really bad whenever others taunted his beloved, but it seemed like Colin was happy enough to be with him, anyway.

One time they were both beaten up by punks at the school’s parking lot and were sent to the clinic with cut wounds and bruises. When the nurse left them alone to call their parents Dave quickly got up and checked Colin’s state. His glasses were broken, lying by his side, and Dave Austin picked it up fondly.

“I’m sorry,” Colin whispered, and the other looked into his eyes. The redhead looked more than injured; there was anguish in his face. “You weren’t supposed to be involved, Austin…they were taunting me, and then you punched them…it’s my fault. Now they’re going to hunt you like a bunch of mindless stormtroopers.”

Dave felt the undying urge to kiss him, but stopped himself. “Don’t worry, Gulliver. They won’t hunt me. Everybody forgets I exist a few seconds after meeting me, remember?”

Colin laughed. “How come I haven’t forgotten you yet?”

“It doesn’t work on people I consider special.” His voice turned husky, saying things he never intended to mention. With this they shared an unusual glance, and finally Dave went back to his bed, heart beating a few paces faster than normal.

The next week was a confession. The latest geeky craze was the graphic novel series named The Liberation Frontier of Showers. Colin had been obsessing over it ever since it was published, and couldn’t be disturbed by virtually anything or anyone, not even the announcement of an upcoming oral examination. He even forgot how to speak normally; instead his nose was buried underneath pages and pages of Liberation novels. He only talked to Dave, but their conversations consisted of rants and raves about the graphic novel, which dampened the laidback boy’s hopes of gaining romantic access to Colin.

“You should read it too, y’know, so you could get what I’m saying.” He insisted. They were inside Colin’s poster-filled room, and Dave was using an expensive comic book to fan himself from the heat.

Dave yawned, distracted by Colin’s hand on his palm. “Too lazy.”

Colin shrugged, then closed the novel. “...Dave.”

The other literally jumped. It was the first time Colin ever mentioned his first name, for they always referred to each other in their family names (well, Dave called Colin by his first name in his thoughts, along with beloved and my love). He looked at him expectantly, hearing birds chirping in the background.

“…I’m in love.”

The birds stopped chirping, and out came a love song, Don’t Cry, by Boy George.

“…with a guy.”

There were screams. Infants, spinsters, hermits, toddlers…all voices screamed in Dave’s head, telling him to shout his love, pounding on his ear drums and causing him to breathe faster. Dave clutched at his heart and looked deep into Colin’s eyes. Oh god, Colin Gulliver…oh I love you too, I love you so much…

Colin pressed his hand resolutely on Dave’s arms. “You know chapter eighteen of The Liberation Frontier of Showers, right? When the Reffmorts started attacking the Lunar Base with the deadly Cordian virus?” It was important to state the title in its complete glory, instead of giving it a nickname, say, LFS.

Dave nodded, grin maddening. What’s with the Shower referral, maybe there was a line there that describes his love for me… Dave’s goal was obtained at last. He succeeded in making the unfathomable Colin Gulliver fall in love with him. He closed his eyes and basked in the warmth of the sunlight that is love.

“Well…” the redhead smiled guiltily. “When I read that chapter, that was when I realized that I was in love…”

He couldn’t take the pressure now; he wanted to scoop him in his arms and run towards the sunset, roll him on the grass, oh just kiss his lips—

“Oh Dave, I’m in love with Commander Jonathan Johnson of the Crompay AlphaAMP-X13-0GB fleet.”

…what—who the FUCK?!

Don’t Cry turned into an atomic explosion.

“Well? Aren’t you supposed to kick me out of your house? Order me to leave?” Colin looked apprehensive.

Dave groaned.


MISSION FAILED. ABORT.


***


TO BE CONTINUED.





Don’t Cry by Boy George

You say that you're misunderstood
But you like it that way
Then you say you're lonely
Well that's the price you pay

And I don't think I love you
That's the cruellest game we play
But I love you that way

You're a perfect lover
Why don't you stay?
You're a perfect lover
Ain't it always that way?

You feel a little twisted
You feel a little pain
You feel a little hateful
Don't worry, you'll feel that way again

Cry, don't cry, don't cry for me
Cry, don't cry, don't cry for me

You say that you're not beautiful
But you are in my eyes
You say my love's too heavy
Well that comes as no surprise

You're a perfect lover
Why don't you stay?
You're a perfect lover
Ain't it always that way?