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Entry tags:	defeating commander jonathan johnson, original

Kiss me~!

Defeating Commander Jonathan Johnson, Mission Seven

Author: Mushroom
Rating: PG-13 (OMFG is it true?!)
Summary: The time has come for the Intergalactic Battle. Will Dave Austin survive the dreadful competition and gain the affections of his beloved, or fall into the pits of his own mistakes?
Notes: Many thanks to chastity_rowan for the help with all the geeky stuff. Dedicated to luinthoniel. Disclaimer: All geeky stuff, ideas and quotes were spawned by other greater people than moi.




MISSION SEVEN: ACCEPT YOUR DESTINY


Yet another picture.



***

“I was never more certain of how far away I was from my goal than when I was standing right beside it.” – Gattaca




Dave Austin was almost in tears that Saturday morning, and ran back and forth from the bathroom to the dresser, occasionally whimpering and banging his head on the wall. The cosplay event was to take place a few hours later, and they were preparing themselves.

“THIS IS NOT COOL, COLIN.” He shouted frantically. “NOT COOL. NO. NOT AT ALL.”

“Come on, Dave, you look cool.” His beloved yelled from behind one of the dresser doors. “They’ll worship you.”

“Yeah, if they’re PERVERTED!” Dave retorted.

“Gee, what’s wrong then? The costume was of high quality, and I even ordered a charger pistol for you.” Colin asked softly, finally emerging from his side of the room wearing a brown vest along with curly ginger hair. Dave stared at him hungrily, transfixed at such barefaced display of cuteness (at least for him), then remembered his predicament.

“The pistol’s fine, but the costume…I mean, silver and silk are two things, but having my CROTCH VISIBLE AND ACCESSIBLE TO THE EYES OF THE GENERAL PUBLIC is something I can’t handle!”

“Oh Dave, don’t say that.” The redhead shook his head. “It can’t be that bad.”

“STOP LYING TO YOURSELF, COLIN! LOOK AT IT! IT’S LIKE MY CROTCH IS DECLARING, “HELLO WORLD! I’M DAVE AUSTIN’S PENIS! I HANG ABOUT ON COSPLAY EVENTS, SEEN THROUGH A TRANSPARENT CROTCH PADDING! PLEASURE TO MEET YOUR FINE ASS, TOO!”

The other flinched. “Dave—“

“It’s like I’m one of those naked sculptures found in museums, you know, where visible crotches are the in thing. It’s like I’m that EROTIC MARBLE GUY, DAVID, the one Michelangelo sculpted? The one with the tiny prick and humongous balls (not that I’m saying mine’s like that)? Hey, DAVE equals DAVID, now it makes sense! I actually look like I’m made of marble with all this silver dyes, just remove the sparkles. I CAN POSE ON THE STREETS AND PEOPLE CAN GIVE ME MONEY! I CAN SELL MY BODY FOR FRENCH DUNGEONS or whatever AND PEOPLE CAN OGLE AT ME AND TAKE PICTURES OF MY WIENERS. I’ll be humiliated, but I’ll be rich. AND WHY?! ALL BECAUSE MY PENIS DECIDED TO SAY HELLO!”

“D-Dave, we also have other people living in this building…” Colin began.

“Oh, so you’re saying that I’m talking BLASPHEMY? Well, let’s call it my MANHOOD instead! OH MY MANHOOD! MY MANHOOD HAS BEEN UNLEASHED!”

“Not manhood, Dave, never manhood, please stop being hysterical—“

“—MY CROTCH IS SHOWING IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, COLIN! Various shoppers and movie geeks are granted FULL VIEW of my unsuspecting treasure. And you’re telling me that I’m not supposed to panic? That I’m supposed to accept this treachery as a part of life? That I’m supposed to window shop with sales ladies darting glances down my nether regions? That I’m supposed to sit back and sigh in satisfaction at the transparency of my spandex (that can be clearly seen even in darkness)? ALAS, MY CROTCH IS SHOWING! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH~!!!!” Dave Austin ran towards the bathroom and slammed the door.

After a definitive pause he heard a soft knock on the bathroom door. “Come out, Dave. Please. Come out. My Dave.”

At ‘My Dave’ he perked up, then recalled memories of his well-sculpted crotch (the details were far too intricate). He slumped back on the toilet seat and tried to commit suicide by biting his tongue.

“You’re not going, anymore?”

“HELL NO! If you can give me a nifty cloak or something to hide under, sure. But I’m not going to drive to the mall parking lot with Hello Penis.”

“But can you drive with Hello Dave? Even if you just take me there?”

Colin’s voice was very soft and broken. Being the sucker who was madly in love with his friend, Dave eventually opened the door and pressed his palms on Colin’s cheeks. “Sorry for the hysterics, Cole. I didn’t think it would look like this. I feel violated somehow.”

It was the first time they were this close, this intimate. Sure, they hugged occasionally, but they were mostly unaware or too excited to notice. This time, Dave realized how the space between them vanished gradually, how Colin’s head felt right underneath his chin, how his shoulders were small enough to wrap his arms around them, to cuddle. He was crossing barriers, and even had the bravery to rest his cheek on Colin’s hair. “Just look at me, Colin. I look like a gigolo man.”

“Let me be the judge of that.” Colin said firmly, and quickly looked down to check it himself.

Dave froze.

It was always disconcerting to be stared at. What more if the person you loved stared at your crotch for a long time? He half-expected to see steam come out of it and waft into the air. Dave tried not to look nervous as Colin analyzed the thinness of the clothing and the effects it made on his manhood, and then he noticed.

Colin’s lips.

They hid large front teeth behind them, but at least they weren’t thin. They were bursting and somewhat red, most likely very kissable. It indicated sloppy kissing though, but it was wet and slightly open. Goddamn, I’m going to kiss it, I want him, I want him now, and there’s a bed beside us, and the convention’s not for a few hours…

His imagination soared. Then he felt it. He felt blood leave different parts of his body and settle down, down, where Colin’s attention was currently placed.

Oh fuck.

“Er, Colin, you can stop looking now.” He said hurriedly. Colin’s hands were now on his hips and his brows were furrowed deeply. “I admit, they’re kinda…obvious, but I’m sure if the room has no proper lighting then nobody’ll see it—“

“Stop looking…” Dave seethed. STOP LOOKING BECAUSE I AM NOW HAVING AN ERECTION BECAUSE I AM A DIRTY-MINDED ASSHOLE, THANK YOU.

Colin looked up at him and gave him a weird face. “Okay, if you insist. But I think the outfit is fine. The convention’s location will be mostly dark anyway, since there’s a film showing. And besides…they won’t look down, I promise. They’ll look at your face and say, ‘That’s Commander Jonathan Johnson! That’s my hero!’ and little kids will be getting your autograph, and some adults too. You’ll be the highlight of the day, Dave.” He smoothened Dave’s gelled brown hair, and both men grinned shyly at each other.

“I’ll go. I always do anyway. I believe in you, Colin Gulliver, Master of the Universe.” Dave walked back to the bed and zipped up his backpack. After he was done adjusting the straps he glanced back at his friend, expecting to see a wonderful smile, but Colin was staring sadly at his hands again, brushing his thumb over his palm.

I’ll be Commander Jonafuck for a day.

Now I’ll know what it feels like to be loved by Colin Gulliver.

That was when Dave decided that he’ll do the best he can to be someone else. Colin was still looking lonely, so he didn’t want to ruin things for him.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be the best Commander Jonafu—whatsit.” He piped up.

Colin looked up at him, blinking. “It’s not that. I’m…thinking of something. We should really be blasting off, got your car keys with you?”

“He-ey, that’s another hobby of mine! I drive an old man’s noodle.”

“Sorry, what?”

Dave was too busy reminiscing about his eventful day with the student counselor to answer. Colin was already by the door when he noticed that he left his shoes. “You forgot your sneakers, you should—OH MY GOD!” He yelped, tossing the shoes in different directions.

His beloved Colin’s feet. The body part he loved most before the rest. The slim, milky feet he worshipped every night, sang songs to in his dreams, casually rubbed with his own legs…they were covered with hideous mops of frizzy hair.

“WHAT THE HELL?! ARE YOU A WEREWOLF?! Y-YOU-YOUR FEET…THERE’S A FOREST BEING CULTURED ON IT!” He screamed. As if having his sparkly spandex was hell already. Now his love had frightening hair growing on his toes like tangled vines in an untamed woodland.

Colin’s morose face was replaced by smiles and heavy laughter (plus snorting, who could ignore that), and he ran back to Dave and gave him a hug. “You’re so funny, heheh. I’m a hobbit! I don’t need shoes; I have natural soles on my feet! And I have pointy ears, aren’t they amazing?” He started skipping around like an Irishman, with an imaginary harmonica as background music. Dave gaped once again at the atrocious layers of…of…hair (fur?) that looked like it sprouted from other places.

“To the shuttle, we ride! The best, you are!” Colin said enthusiastically, and he dragged the unfortunate man downstairs.


***


“Laugh it up, fuzzball.” – Han Solo



Colin gasped.

The sci-fi convention was held inside a huge tent on a massive football stadium-sized lawn, and there were loads of stalls by the pathway that sold various merchandise from popular movie flicks. By the entrance was a sign that read: “FEEL THE FORCE: The 30th Annual Sci-Fi Convention.” There was a huge poster of The Liberation Frontier of Showers, and they were giving out freebies and drinks. While geeks and giggly girls walked about in tight-knit groups, a bunch of cosplayers with very unique outfits and hairstyles roamed about casually, sipping drinks and tossing their props at each other. Contrary to popular belief, there were many beautiful and sexy female cosplayers, showing their cleavages with sheer audacity, but there were only a few good-looking men (or maybe because their faces were slopped with make-up and gunk, to make them look like deformed zombies).

Colin tugged at his friend’s arm in excitement. “This is the biggest con we’ve ever been too, right Dave? The one last year was just in this medium-sized center. But now we’ve got a whole lawn for ourselves.”

Dave nodded mutely and carefully hid himself behind Colin. His lower body parts had to be protected from prying eyes. This proved to be a hard task, because the freckled boy was now jumping from stall to stall, eyeing the items and sighing because of his poor state. In a flash, Dave brought out a bunch of bills from his pocket and bought the Warhammer poster Colin was gazing at.

“N-n-no!!!” Colin’s eyes widened, but Dave already placed the rolled-up poster in his hands.

“Take it. I’ve been saving for this day, anyway. I knew you’d want something.”

“You’ve been saving for me again.” Colin said flatly.

Dave chuckled. “Don’t worry. Look at it this way; at least we have another poster to stick on our colorful dorm wall. One thing’s for sure: I love staring at them staring at me staring at you.”

Colin laughed at what he said, though he really didn’t get it, especially the last part. “So the poster is ours.”

“Righto.”

Colin tucked the newly bought item under his arm and gave him such a breathtaking smile that Dave immediately bought ten more posters. Darn, he brings out the impulse-buyer in me. The redhead gave him another smile that was just a brilliant but slightly sad, so Dave allowed him to buy ice cream for the both of them. He spotted a few LREG members lolling by the cotton candy stand, and they gave him the thumbs-up and winked when Colin handed him his cone. Dave blushed.

“You look red, you should eat this quick if you’re feeling warm,” Colin prodded. “Oh gee, here comes my guildmates!” He waved enthusiastically as a bunch of deadpan-looking people came towards them.

Dave tried to stop staring because it was rude, but he couldn’t help it. The Crompay Alpha AMP fleet was really there; the Kaldop aliens, Mr. Coreslaughter, the Princess of Jamalia, others whose names he had forgotten, and bunch of furry critters. Their costumes were intricately designed, but they did not look like their roles. The Princess of Jamalia wore neon-green braces and was continuously adjusting her bra to make her boobs look bigger. The Doom-jecters had the cool black leather attire, but some of them wore sneakers. Two of the teddy bear people were holding game boys.

“We were supposed to meet in the left wing, Gulliver.” Reynaldo Phoenix, the main pilot of Commander Jonathan Johnson’s space ship, walked forward and glared at him pointedly. Dave wanted to lunge at him and beat his maroon ass, but Colin just scratched his freckled nose guiltily.

“Sorry sir, I got a little carried away with all the shops around.”

“I’m the one who suggested that we stroll around a bit.” Dave spoke defensively. The Reynaldo guy eyed him warily. “Oh, you’re that ‘playing straight’ guy everybody’s talking about.” He drawled.

“Playing—what?” Colin asked curiously, and Dave seethed.

“I’m Dave Austin.” He extended a hand shaking with anger, but the asshole turned around and completely ignored him. Another one replaced him, an alien with strange characters all over his bald head, like they were models in a ramp show, strutting one by one with each attack.

“YOU’RE going to BE the Commander?! OUR revered commander?” he gagged.

Colin nodded excitedly. “Affirmative! Isn’t he awesome?” The other beamed back.

The Princess of Jamalia squinted. “He’s not tall enough. And he’s far too skeletal.” She rubbed her breasts as if to demonstrate just how buff Dave needed to be.

“Nononono! He-He-He-He’s too ugly to be Commander Jonathan Johnson! Jonathan Johnson! Nononono! Far too ugly!” One VERY frank creature in a purple vest shrieked hysterically, and Dave immediately lost what was left of his respect for himself.

“He’s supposed to have BABY BLUE eyes, not crap-colored ones.”

“Where’s your Chambalatra 500?”

“BABY BLUE EYES!!!”

“You lack the sex appeal. How are we supposed to obey you WITHOUT IT?!”

“You look like an Apollo mission gone wrong.”

“Commander Jonathan Johnson’s our GOD. You just committed sacrilege.”

“BABY BLUE. It just has to be BLUE. The eyes mean EVERYTHING.”

“Commander Johnson has a six-pack. DOES HE HAVE A SIX PACK?! Obviously, he doesn’t!” Mr. Coreslayer rolled his eyes dramatically. “And his hair! GULLIVER, have you gone color-blind? Our dear Commander has dashing black hair. Your dude’s just a boring brunette.”

“And you look like Mr. Coreslayer on drugs!” Dave shot back. “Your eyebags are huge enough to carry four people!” He felt Colin pinch him painfully, but he wasn’t going to stand there and hear people insult him, let alone his friend.

The leader of the Kaldop aliens snorted. “Eyebags convey evil, don’t you know that? Besides, you’ve been hiding behind Gulliver all this time, are you doing something inappropriate?!”

All blood was drained from Dave’s face. Stepping out into the light only meant one thing.

CROTCH VIEW.

“Of course I’m not!” He shouted back, flushing. Colin hurriedly shrugged his shoulders so that Dave’s hands would slide, but he held on firmly. “You have no choice. I’m the one with the costume. So unless you spot a muscular man with black hair, booby abs, and a plastic space ship in his hand, I’m your Commander for this event.”

Silence.

Reynaldo huffed, clearly annoyed. “We have no choice to accept. But if you dare disrupt the balance of our bond, we might as well exterminate you or exile you to the Planet of Boom-ba with the rest of the forces of evil.”

“Good. Does the trip come with free food?” Dave shot back sarcastically, and the others grunted and went on ahead.

“How dare you.” Colin whispered.


***


.He spread his arms out wide. “I will go mad!” he announced. – The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy




“Wha…?” Dave’s anger was replaced by shock. Colin was scowling at him, and the poster dropped on the floor, forgotten. Dave’s heart crumpled along with it.

“How could you insult him?! He’s the leader of our guild, and the ultimate card master. All of them were kind enough to let me join, it’s really exclusive, you have to take this test or something after signing up a-and…and…” He was shaking. “…Y-you just told them off. They’re going to hate me now—“

“Why the hell do you hang out with those people, anyway?! They were insulting ME and YOU. And they raise their chins at us as if they were popular or something, haha, as if people would even care—“

“Shut up, Austin.” Colin snapped. “I’m sorry if we aren’t popular like your newfound friends!” He stomped off angrily, and Dave looked on, aghast.

It took him a full five seconds before he rushed towards his Colin and slung an arm around his shoulder. They both blurted “I’m sorry,” and sighed.

“Forgive me, Cole. It’s just that…it’s been a really hard day, with my skimpy outfit and everything…you’ve been pretty bothered since this morning, too.” Dave breathed on his ear, panting and distressed. They both walked back to retrieve the dropped poster. Colin remained silent, stroking his fingers on Dave’s hand.

“What’s wrong, Colin? Please tell me.” He pleaded.

Colin inhaled deeply. “Being in this guild is important to me, Dave. I want to be with people who are…just like me. Who like the same things I do. We have a sort of connection, and I just don’t want to keep all my hobbies to myself…”

Dave was hurt. Really hurt. “I play cards and computer games and read books with you. That doesn’t count?”

“Yeah, you do…but your spirit isn’t really there. You’re just not a fan like us, so you’ll never understand me, that sort of thing.” Colin pressed a warm palm on the other’s arm. “But you’re still my best friend, so don’t fear. Just be a really kick-ass Commander Jonathan Johnson, and you’ll be great, Dave.” He gave one of his sunny smiles again, and they walked inside the tent.

You’ll never understand me. Dave wanted to run back home, but he was already here. And he promised. He’ll just have to fulfill his role, and then he can go back to his normal, lackluster life and forget everything. Forget that he was the leader of the LREG. Forget that he loved Colin. Things like that.

His heart was still stinging, but fortunately a handful of kids surrounded him just as they entered and started rubbing their faces on his legs.

“Mr. Popular.” Colin said quietly, and left him to join his guild at one of the crowded areas. Dave extended a hand to shout “Wait!”, but the youngsters were too persistent.

“COMMANDER~!!! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, COMMANDER!!!” The kids screamed excitedly, led by their parents (who seemed to be smiling madly at something, their eyes focused on the obvious).

“Ooooohhhhh, nice silky underpants!” One of the kindergartners squealed, smelling his knee exaggeratedly. One girl with pigtails started rolling up his pants.

“Er, sorry, they’re not underpants…this is really my—whoa!” He almost toppled backwards when triplets started clawing at the fabric. “Don’t do that—yeow…”

“Is this for real, mister?” A blonde little girl was staring wide-eyed and open-faced at his now vulnerable crotch (that was now clearly seen underneath the glimmering lights from above). She reached out with her nimble fingers and—

CLUTCH!

Everyone else gasped.

“YEOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWCCCH, DAMNIT!!!” He yelped, and his resounding voice echoed throughout the tent. Most of the kids recoiled, eyes brimming with tears.

“So it’s real,” The girl mused. “Why are you so violent? You haven’t been touched there before?”

“The Commander said a bad word, mommy!!!” One of the toddlers rushed to his mom’s lap, and the parents started shooting daggers at Dave’s direction. He was just trying to avoid their blades of steel when the girl started groping his thighs again.

What the—perverted little… He tried to push the little girl away without hurting her, but she was stubborn and continued to roam her hands on his legs. “Why are you acting so weird? You’re a virgin, aren’t you?”

“YES, YES I AM,” Dave managed to peel off her fingers from his limbs one by one, and she pouted. “Now go off and play with Yoda or some other crackpot.” He gritted his teeth. The young girl shrugged and finally trotted off, but he could still recall the desecration the kids have done to his privates. He whirled around, looking for Colin, then noticed amused glances from various spectators.

GREAT.

He smacked his head. First I had to wear rigid spandex, then Colin shouted at me, then a random nonchalant girl fondled my—my thingy, and now I just announced that I was a virgin. What’s next…suicide?

He seriously considered locking himself up in a bathroom cubicle and angsting about his life, but the cosplay event was about to start.

Oh well. The angsting bit can come later. He ran towards a cheerful Colin, surrounded by the Crompay Alpha AMP fleet and even more weirdos with swords and staffs. “Done having fun with the kids? I knew they’d love you, Dave!” (Colin looked like he wanted to throw his arms around him, but the Reynaldo guy began a supposed inspiring message for all cosplayers, and it was sacred for all the geeks).

Colin glanced at him sideways and looked so happy that Dave instantly recovered from his heartbreak.

His crotch still ached like hell, though…the poor thing.




MISSION FAILED. MEANWHILE, CEASEFIRE.

***

TO BE CONTINUED.