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defeating commander jonathan johnson, original

Defeating Commander Jonathan Johnson, Mission Nine

Author: Mushroom
Rating: PG-13 (OMFG is it true?!)
Summary: I am so mean to Dave.
Disclaimer: All geeky stuff, ideas and quotes were spawned by other greater people than moi.

Notes: Written by a secretly depressed me again (but since I announced it already, It's not a secret!). Oh, and if you're getting tired of this series already, never fear! Once you click on that lil' link below you'll be able to read the first half of the climax of the story. I think this will reach chapter eleven or twelve. WILL DAVE AUSTIN EVER DEFEAT COMMANDER JONATHAN JOHNSON?! We'll see. ^_~



MISSION NINE: FULL SPEED AHEAD

***


Anticipation denotes intelligence. – The Fifth Element




Dave thought he had hidden quite well enough, but soon as the speakers started blasting the Imperial March in full volume, his fleet of very snobbish life-forms found him crouching behind the said amplifiers. They all wore their official pokerfaced looks (that seemed more threatening than glares) and Dave emerged, defeated and annoyed.

“What the hell are we going to do onstage, anyway? Are we going to perform a dance number or something? I can’t dance.” He mumbled.

“Where’s that Gulliver?!” Reynaldo Phoenix demanded.

Dave nudged his head sadly towards Colin’s direction. He was trading Magic cards with a bunch of people dressed as vampires. Colin seemed too absorbed in his trade that he didn’t even notice the Doom-jecters lugging him towards the guild’s spot.

When Colin and Dave were face-to-face, they closed their eyes.

Reynaldo clamped a heavy palm on Dave’s shoulders, causing his knees to shake. “Gulliver, your apprentice here, as you may call him, doesn’t know a thing about the Liberation Frontier of Showers. HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE OUR COMMANDER! HE’S NOTHING BUT A PHONY! Weren’t you so proud of him a while back?!”

The redhead looked pointedly at Dave. “But Dave…didn’t you read the novels? I remember you did, a few weeks ago.”

He shrugged. “It’s not like I can remember everything.”

Colin’s brows furrowed. “I told you that you would be Commander Jonathan Johnson today. Why didn’t you prepare yourself for the role?”

“You didn’t TELL me to prepare!” Dave was shouting now, frustrations rising up to his throat. “You just told me to wear the damn spandex, and so I did! How the HELL am I supposed to know that we had this role-play thingy?!”

“Do I have to tell you everything?!” Colin shouted back, red-faced. “Naturally you have to become Commander Jonathan Johnson, so you have to know even just a FEW of his lines! You can’t just WEAR a costume and know NOTHING of the great person who wears it ALL THE TIME!”

“WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP?!” A Kaldop yelled. Dave and Colin immediately stopped shouting and lowered their heads, panting heavily. Everyone in the guild gave glares at the two best friends in silence, then the hosts voices rang inside the tent.

“Uhm…after that exceedingly memorable cosplay ramp earlier…we will now move on to the next activity!” Host number one cried. When he began sneezing again his more than annoyed co-host pushed him out of the platform and grabbed the lead microphone for himself.

“This next performance is called the “Live-Action” portion. Each guild or representative of a certain sci-fi movie, novel or show shall perform a random scene from that program. The judges will pick the scene and the guilds will have to act it out onstage. Of course, the guild with the best performance shall be awarded deluxe Liberation Frontier of Shower merchandise and Limited Edition soundtracks for the Star Wars trilogy! Not only that, they will be given gift certificates and free passes for the upcoming movie event of the year, featuring Commander Jonathan Johnson and the Crompay Alpha AMP fleet!”

The whole crowd was in uproar. The once expressionless stares of nothingness alighted with fervor and eagerness, and so the Crompay fleet started jumping up and down, eager to win the prize.

“Liberation merchandise!!!” Apparently because of his bursting joy Colin forgot all about their recent argument and threw his arms around Dave. “Oh Dave, they’re so expensive (especially those magnetic gate openers) that I can’t lay my hands on them, but now they can be ours!”

Dave watched in distaste as his fleet started skipping about and ranting at what seemed like a thousand words per second. “Is that all you think of? Are you happy with suitcases, jugs and backpacks?

“Dave, it’s our chance!” Colin was now clinging on his best friend’s arm like he was the source of all things bright and good. “If our guild receives high points, we won’t have to worry anymore! We can have all the Liberation goodies we can think of without lining up at department stores!”

We?! We? It has always been YOU. The other sighed. “Cole, lining up’s part of what’s good about it. You get to pass through trials before obtaining the big prize.”

“This is an even bigger prize.” Colin said slowly.

“Every Christmas I go through extremely long lines and wrestle Darth Vader decapitated heads as my gifts for you.”

Colin gave him a questioning glance. “…and?”

Dave sighed. “Nothing. J-just…I’ll just do my best and let’s see what happens.” He didn’t even know what his point was. All he knew was that he wanted to make Colin happy, so even if it meant complete humiliation for the second time onstage then he would do it. He was Dave Austin, leader of all queers, risk-taker, crotch-displayer.

Colin thumped Dave’s chest playfully with his palms. “You just have to go with the flow, Dave. It’s easy. After this sci-fi event I’ll…I’ll…offer you anything.”

“Please don’t say that, Cole. I might ask for something...”

“Huh?”

Dave ruffled his red hair and gave him a weak smile. Both teenagers did not notice that the whole fleet was looking at them expectantly.

The Princess of Jamalia placed a firm hand on Dave's shoulder, and gave him a rueful smile. “Listen Austin. You don’t have to say anything. Just stand there, look buff, and we’ll do all the talking. Just…don’t…don’t be yourself, and we’ll spare you your existence. Now we only have to wait for the scene the judges will announce later on.”

“Someone’s lively.” He drawled back.


***


“To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human.” – The Matrix




Stand, look stupid, chew immortal bubble gum. Okay.


It was discomforting to watch all the other guilds act out their scenes flawlessly; they probably memorized every line from the books or movies with volition. The Earth Invaders were so enamored with their scene that they exceeded the time limit (even if they were signaled to stop numerous times) and each member was therefore disqualified. Nevertheless, that didn’t lessen the grandeur of their acting, and it made Dave sweaty all over. Colin tried to soothe him by giving his brightest smiles, and this made the other boy concentrate.

They were called. Once Dave Austin climbed up the steps the whole tent was silent, probably awaiting The Most Outrageous Act Ever, part two. Colin was cheering for him at the sidelines, so he knew he had to do his best. He had to be the best silent statue in the history of the sci-fi convention. Now it was time to do a David, Michelangelo-styles.

“Hmmm…” the lone host finally received the fateful piece of paper from the judges. “You are going to perform Volume 34, Chapter 18…”

Everybody gasped. Dave spun his head around and sure enough, his guildmates looked horrified. “What’s with that? What happened there? What am I—“

“…Oh yes, the infamous (spoilers abound, everyone, but I’m sure you all know this by now) death of the Princess of Jamalia!!!”

He gaped at the woman standing beside him, and she looked as pale as ice. “D-don’t worry guys, I’m just going to stand up and stay still—“

“You CAN’T stay still!” Reynaldo hissed. “THIS IS THE PRINCESS’ DEATH. Of course you have to talk to her before she dies! Are you inhuman?!”

“But I haven’t read that part yet!” Dave insisted. His world seemed quite dismal at that very moment, yet that was the time wherein the audience started hooting, clapping and cheering again. It was like they were all egging him on, forcing him to do something he absolutely had no knowledge of, if only for the entertainment of several famished predators.

Colin’s a part of that audience. His thoughts reminded him.

Wait a sec, am I making Colin an excuse for my stupidity?

The host allowed them a few minutes to discuss the parts they would cover during the live-action. Reynaldo explained some of the details to Dave, who was shaking like hell.

“I’ll tell you what you need to say,” said the princess. “They won’t see me talking because I’ll be lying on the floor anyway.”

Soon the lights were focused on the fleet and they had to go to their locations. The first scene was quite easy to pull off. Dave just had to sit down on the throne of glory in the ship and look cool while the rest of his crew panicked. That was what he needed to be throughout the whole show: to look cool. Just as he started wondering what’s so cool about sitting around and shouting out orders, things were pacing up pretty fast. They had a time limit, after all.

“I am receiving a disturbance in the ray field in the Astra planet’s direction.” One of his crewmates hollered. “Two ships are currently trapped in a superior magnetic field and might implode if we do not send reinforcements! Distance: Seven thousand light-years away!”

“We can’t stay too close to the energy field or else we’ll be sucked in, too!” The pilot shouted. “Its magnitude is increasing fifty times its size per second. What are your orders, sir?”

Dave wanted to eat his fist to stop himself from laughing at their exaggerated actions when Reynaldo kicked him hard in the shin. He almost yelped and destroyed the whole thing until his apprentice gave him The Look. “What should we do, Commander?”

“Er, save them. Or something.” Another swift kick. “Ow! I mean SAVE THEM! NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES!”

The one in charge of the controls nodded. “There are approximately three hundred passengers in each ship at present. We’re—wait, incoming distress call—this is the Chambalatra 500, come in please?! Come in!”

The Princess of Jamalia was just hiding behind the stage with a microphone, so her deadpan voice could be heard throughout the entire tent. “C-Co-Commander…Jo-Jonathan…”

Dave snorted, and his microphone resounded noisily. Her voice-acting was the worst thing he had ever heard in years; even worse than the dubs of old Chinese martial arts operas. She sounded like a donkey suffering from tonsil inflation. Her plea was so fake it took all of Dave’s energy to stop himself from covering his ears. “The…people of…Jamalia…attacked…”

“What is the current situation?” He interrupted, and the pilot grimaced.

“Hold on a sec, I’m getting there!” The voice growled, and a few of the people giggled. “I mean—ehem—Jonathan…my own people…my soldiers…they have ambushed us…they did not allow us to disembark…”

“So you were attacked?”

“Of course we were! DUH! I mean—yeah, we were. I-I have to give you something…oh no, the signal’s getting worse…aaaaaahhhhh I’m being murdered—“

Her unenthusiastic scream was replaced by obviously fake explosions made by human tongues from backstage, and then silence.

There was the thoughtful kick again. Dave gave Reynaldo a nasty look and almost gave him the finger until, “Are we going to come to their aid, Commander? It may be a trap.”

“You tell me, captain.” He looked at him pointedly. I don’t even know what’s supposed to happen! Colin didn’t give me the details because he was so upset about the whole ordeal. The only thing I remember was how cute he looked when I hugged him to sleep, and that was pretty vague too—

Reynaldo’s brow twitched. “I suggest we do.”

“Sure, go on ahead. SAVE THEM!” Dave ordered halfheartedly.

“Activate the G-Level Thrusters. Engage into light-speed mode. Seatbelts on please. Prepare for rate boost, ten…nine…eight…”

Dave glanced at Colin, who gave him the peace sign.

And then they were off. While his crewmates pretended to be shaking involuntarily because of the tremendous speed (some of them even knocked their heads continuously on their head rests for added effect) Dave Austin remained cool; he even managed to take a sip of his coffee (Oh dear, a coffee maker just beside him! What a very…handy, if absurd, prop). The doubts of the audience were replaced with delight at seeing their hero back to his old, perfect self again.

Finally it was time for the most dramatic scene of the century. The Crompay Alpha AMPX13-0GB fleet managed to rescue the ship that contained the princess and her servants, but they were all slowly dying due to severe injuries. Dave held the Princess of Jamalia close to him and remembered the time he held Colin as they both slept, wondering about their careers and their futures.

“Forgive my ignorance, but I do not know what happened. All I know is that the Jamalian Kingdom betrayed the Allied Forces,” She said nonchalantly, as if dying was a walk in the park. “My country is in siege; it is now under the control of Coreslayer and the Doom-jecters. There is nothing I can do.”

The rest of the fleet was scurrying behind them, pretending to be busy rescuing other inflicted passengers. The whole tent was quiet while a few people prepared boxes of tissues to pass around.

Dave just stared at her and tried to look lonely when all he could see was a stick figure with bouncing balls on her front. He tried hard not to giggle. Good thing that Reynaldo creep isn’t here, I’m all black and blue right now…

However, the princess was there to glower at him when necessary. This time her glare told him to speak, but he didn’t know what to say, and he was supposed to stay silent and cool, right?

She sighed, and spoke up. “Oh Commander…now is the right time for you to allow me to call you Jonathan, for I am slowly dying.”

“Right,” Dave nodded. “Call me Jonathan before you die.” They heard an obnoxious sniff from the spectators, but it was unheeded.

“Anyway Jonathan, now that I’m uhhhh…dying, do you have anything to ask me? Before it’s too late? Like, you can ask me why I never agreed to be part of your fleet.”

Dave nodded dejectedly. “Okay. Why did you not join our fleet?”

The princess coughed hideously, and closed her eyes. “I could not betray my people. You know that our government does not allow outsiders to enter our realm. But I knew there was something wrong with the congregation. I ran away and tried to stop those who wanted to destroy the hopes of my people, but I did not have the power to do so. God this sucks.” She added in an undertone.

Dave almost imploded in laughter as he pretended to wipe a tear. “Anything else I have to ask?”

“Yes. Ask me for a kiss, before my last breath.”

Dave belched. “NO WA—“ He received yet another VERY violent kick. He spun around and sure enough, Reynaldo was peering over his shoulder sympathetically when it was obvious that he was flaring in resentment.

“I believe you should kiss her, Commander.” Said Reynaldo Phoenix with mock sorrow, “…Before something dangerous happens.” His eyes narrowed and bits of spit started flying on his face. Dave squinted and craned his neck to avoid further spit damage, but they continued to drop on his shoulder like tumultuous rain. Some of them even managed to reach his face, similar to homing missiles.

The princess rolled her eyes and hissed, “Do I look like I’m enjoying this?! Just carry out the kiss; it is only a simple act, the touching of lips and exchanging of saliva. The dreadful effects are worth the prize we’ll receive after this yearly trauma. I’d give MY LIFE for those movie passes, do you HEAR ME? I’ll give my body, my soul—”

The other shuddered involuntarily. “THAT’S the reason why I just can’t—” My first kiss has to be with Colin, it just has to be with HIM and not some bimbo from outer space…

“KISS ME, COMMANDER!!!” This time her voice boomed, urgent and deadly. “KISS ME, KISS ME, KISS ME!!!!!”

“What the FU—“All of a sudden two insistent arms encircled Dave’s neck and then his lips were forced towards hers. All he tasted was beer and noodles (What the hell does this woman eat?!) and his lip got caught in her braces. As he tried to pull away the audience clapped and applauded like crazy; they even received standing ovations from one of the seated people. He distinctly heard a few wails from a bunch of girls; apparently this scene was supposed to be melodramatic.

MY FIRST KISS IS SUPPOSED TO BE WITH COLIN, DAMNIT NOT YOU NOT YOU DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIIIIT!!!!!! He pushed her away deliberately and wiped his lips. “WOE IS ME! THE PRINCESS IS DEAD!!! BOOOHOOOOOOHOOOOO…”

“What the—I’m not DEAD YET! You’re supposed to ask me ANOTHER question!” The princess flailed her arms about, and Reynaldo shook his head and sighed. Dave nervously scanned the side of the stage but he couldn’t find Colin. Where are you…Colin…I don’t want this anymore, I don’t want to be him…

“Yeah, ask her another question!” A fat guy with huge spectacles hollered from the crowd. A few murmurs of interest followed.

“What am I supposed to ask?” Dave quickly whispered to the Princess, but she was now twisting and turning and her face was becoming out of proportion. He imagined foam coming out of her mouth and felt the need to drop her off the boards.

What would you ask the person you love the most? The person who loves you back?

Why?

If I could ask Colin one thing…because I just can’t understand why I’m doing this…

Dave’s grip became firm, and the princess stopped moving, waiting for him to speak. She sensed the enormity of the moment in the way Dave looked at his hands for the answer. After an indefinite pause, he turned to her with a vacant face.

“Why do you love me?”


***


“How adorable. The actors are going to play war with me.” – Sarris, Galaxy Quest




“HUH?!” She blurted clumsily.

Dave nodded. “That’s right. Why do you love me? Why do you love me, the Commander?” I’m asking you to speak in behalf of everyone who idolizes him, in behalf of Colin Gulliver, because I can’t defeat the Commander, I can never defeat him.

“W-We-well…” Obviously she was not prepared for such a subject, and it wasn’t the last question the Commander was supposed to ask. “I-I…I love y-you…I just love you because…”

Reynaldo kicked his hip fiercely. “What in the name of Kranur are you doing?! This isn’t part of the—“

Dave’s eyes were directed towards the people, searching for Colin’s whereabouts (he disregarded the blistering pain from all sides of his body). “Why do you love me?”

“Because you’re truthful!” A voice from the audience screamed.

Dave looked at the young boy hidden behind several legs, the one who spoke up. “And…?”

“And you’re HOT!!!” One of the women with Comm JJ shirts (and excessive waist lines) squealed.

“You’ve got a really cool ship, plus you’re a real smart investigator, like a true-blue kick-ass detective!” A nerd said excitedly, eager to join in the fun.

“When you speak, you just blow everyone away!”

“You look good in every angle.”

All the enthusiasts started screaming out their answers, and their voices shook the ground and the tent walls. Each person declared their undying feelings and devotion to the Commander, and the rest of the world listened. They all had their reasons, and all these were written in bright and colorful post-its, stuck in Dave’s mind and then pinned with much effort and vigor. Their words stung his head, giving him a migraine.

Dave went on looking for Colin’s familiar face, just for reassurance, or clearer answers, maybe. It was difficult, however; there were dozens of redheads with blotches on their cheeks, all scattered throughout the place with the same aficionado grin. Most of the noise mingled with the other clamors, but there were those that stood out.

“You’re compassionate; you accepted all sorts of aliens and creatures in your fleet, as long as they were capable to do great things. You forgave. You believed in everyone.” said a steadfast woman in her mid-twenties, holding a baby in her arms.

“You accepted the princess even when others didn’t.” Another small but distinct voice remarked. It was a twelve-year-old. “You welcomed everyone in your group.”

He nodded to her, and looked back at his princess. “So you love me because I’m convenient. Because I’m willing to do everything for you.”

The Princess of Jamalia gazed back with very wide eyes.

“N-no! That’s not it!” A voice piped up. He knew it was Colin; he listened to that voice everyday. He listened when Colin gushed over his toys and books. He listened when Colin muttered formulas and algebraic expressions, he listened when Colin expressed his fears and hopes. With this knowledge of the past he stopped himself from looking at where the voice came from, even if he hunted for him desperately a while ago.

“Wouldn’t it be nice if we pose them like they’re in a big war or something, like a bloodbath with all those spears and lasers…and then the supposed weak ones will get a power so strong their leader would be able to usurp the thrones of those who dared defy them. He’ll have lots of followers. Let’s pose our figures that way.”

“We have to answer our homework on binomial coefficients, honestly I am so riled up at how our professor spoon feeds us, he absolutely has no idea of what he’s talking about. I want to tell him that, but nobody’ll listen to me…”

“I don’t really know what I’m going to become Dave. Sometimes I think of being a doctor or a lawyer, but I’m too shy to do those stuff, they’re for the big people, you know? Mature people. I’m not like that. Smart people are always the ones who get confused. You’re so lucky; you never have problems with yourself. I don’t know what to do now… maybe we should just forget about it and play this new video game I bought…”

Yes, he was listening during those times. Even if he knew nothing about arithmetic and astronomy and suitable careers, Dave Austin watched Colin open his soul to him at all times, even if he was busy or bored. Colin’s words were important; he didn’t know if it was important for Colin or for him, all he knows is that significance must be kept to heart.

Maybe that’s my problem. I was too busy caring about Colin to see what was really happening…

Inside, Dave’s thoughts were in chaos. There were limitations to everything. “If I weren’t like this, would you love me, princess? If I were an ordinary boy without any special skills or gadgets or whatever, would you still love me?”

Suddenly, she spoke.

“Or course not. If you do not have power then you’re not the Commander. Our Commander. We need a leader, we need someone to look up to, and a leader has to be powerful. Otherwise we cannot depend on you anymore. Why would we join a group led by some random everyday guy?”

The shouting ceased.


I see.





MISSION PENDING. MEANWHILE, CEASEFIRE.


***

TO BE CONTINUED.